/// been biking around town this morning. black drop was closed due to a barista wedding. forlorn, i hoofed it on over to starbucks. proof of nerdiness: i bought a book of crossword puzzles yesterday. i'm addicted. i actually solved my first NY Time Crossword on Wednesday! I don't know if I've finally amassed enough vocabulary to be competent at them or if I've just keyed into the tricks of the trade. My routine on saturday morning has become: coffee and something edible at black drop while doing a crossword and then heading over to the library. Yes, I've become a middle aged woman. Call me Gladys.

/// Stumbled across It's Superman by Tom De Haven at the library yesterday. Its a novel that goes back and tells the story of young farmboy Clark Kent as he finds his way in the world in the early 1930s. An emphasis on the man not the super.

/// My AmeriCorps check was waiting in my mailbox when I got home yesterday. Thank god. It was $390, a little less than I expected. $350 goes to Eddy for rent and I can definitely stretch $40 for two weeks. 

/// Yesterday was a great day at work. First fire drill of the year. Getting lots of hugs all the time which is nice. I was reminded that using real names when it comes to minors isn't kosher, didn't think of it, makes sense though. I'll just do this early novel style. A---- came to me in the tutor office yesterday, she had bumped her head pretty bad and I found it interesting I was the first one she came to. I held her hand and took her to the nurses office and they got some ice. I was chatting with some of the kids, asked one what her mom's name was and then her dad's. She "Nobody" to the question about dad, she said, "I never met him." I thought that was so sad but if the man isn't in his kids life he's either in an extremely bad way or just an extremely bad person. 

/// I called my mom once the phone was back on. Just told her I was okay, told her about things going on: the bike, the $20 tip, food gifts. She made the remark, "You've always had weird luck. When ever you desperately needed something you got it." Its very true, I've never understood but somehow, through all my dumb choices in life I've never crossed that line into having no hope. There've always been good people there to protect me and I really want to always be grateful, though I have been a spoiled brat many a time. I think part of me, deep down, desires to not have that safety net for once. That part feels like I don't learn anything because I'm always saved somehow. I think maybe if I totally burnt out or destroyed myself I'd be "reborn" with greater knowledge and maturity. But the time for that isn't now. I have wee people who depend on me to be there so I have to keep it together at least until the end of the school year. 

/// The other day R---- had to switch desks with I--------. I lifted R-----'s desk over the heads of all the kids and they gasped at my "strength". It made me laugh. If my goal in life was to be idolized by seven year olds I could die a happy man today.

/// we had an ex-astronaut come speak at an assembly today. cool stuff. an auditorium full of elementary school kids is controlled chaos.

/// recess was weird today because of the speaker. i helped out. at one point i had three girls hanging on my arms and they started calling me "daddy". I diffused this by suggesting i push them on the swing. seth's nightmare scenario averted.

/// mr.s humble has, for the last week, said I should go back to school to teach primary. She keeps saying, "you're so good at it. a natural." I'm not quite sure if I could take it, it really drains you.

/// finished Third Class Superhero: Stories by Charles Yu, on Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: Stories by Haruki Murakami.

/// phone is operational again

/// yesterday at the sehome theater it was me amongst the newly of age masses going to see Jackass Number Two. I was the only person in the theater for the zach braff-produced The Last Kiss. good movie. not as good as Garden State but sort of those characters 5 years down the road dealing with that late-20s, early-30s angst. american remake of an italian sex comedy.

/// the movie theater is my house of worship. realized that yesterday. some people go to the movies just go somewhere. its serious business for me which is why i don't understand the urge to dole out dollars to such mundane sophomoric bullshit. hey, i mean i want to see the new jackass movie, don't get me wrong. but its definitely a renter. going to the movies is religious for me. for two hours i give myself over to what ever the all-seeing eye puts before me. you don't talk during the prayers at church, same thing goes for cellphones and chatting over trailers. its sacriligious.

/// emilio estevez's directorial debut Bobby looks pretty damn good. one of those all-star ensembles, inspired by altman or pt anderson. takes place on the day bobby kennedy was assassinated in the ambassador hotel. hard for us to comprehend, cause we weren't there, but bobby was going to save the world, he was going to bring peace to the civil rights movement and end the war in vietnam.

/// i realized yesterday that i will spend the majority of my time in movie theaters for the rest of my life alone. and this something that is relieving. because the whole thing is so spiritual in my mind its hard to find a fellow moviegoer with the same sense of respect. i've been doing it since the early college days and its a nice tradition for me.

/// currently reading: The O. Henry Short Story Prize Winners '06 (Kevin Brockmeier was on the judges panel).

/// a coupon for a free starbucks drink sits, tucked in my wallet. she made a minor error on my order and i ended up getting the frappuchino (sp?) upsized and the coupon. thoughtlessness on the job can be beneficial.

/// note from eddy on the cabinet door this morning: 

Seth -
Pizza in the fridge.

/// iced nonfat carmel latte, coffee cake muffin, and the cascade x-word. x-word done in 49 minutes, have begun timing myself. i like how one breakthrough on a clue creates a tidal wave of answers till i get stuck again.

/// discovered the dmv and dhhs aren't open on saturdays. fuck. not too worried. just have to finagle a day off from work to shuttle around town and get things done. tennessee i.d. expired yesterday which means i can't make any bank transactions till i have a new one. not letting it frustrate me. i was able to cash the last n-ville library check yesterday. have to be cautious with my monies.

/// creative writing peoples gather at fantasia monday night. should be good times.

/// started on a short story this morning after coffee and x-word. flowed much more easily than i thought. glad to know i haven't lost some essential element.

/// really wish i coulda got that i.d. today. oh well. thinking wednesday could be the day. have class duties on monday, sitting in on a wings classroom on tuesday. yeah, wednesday will have to be the day....oh shit, its a half day! just remembered....nice.

/// i don't believe in god as big-bushy-bearded-jehovah but i do believe in a conscious universe that pushes us in the directions it thinks we need to go in. i believe god is something you find in people and the hardest part is to see that in people you think are doing you ill. to date, that is the hardest part for me...seeing god in the one who you think hurt you.

/// if i were a superhero i would be dumb-luck lad.

/// So I am in communicado this weekend as cingular decided they want money to keep my phone on. Thankfully I just got the check from Ross plus this is the week we get paid for AmeriCorps. Sent Cingular their money this afternoon, expecting to be back online....Monday night? Tuesday?

/// My homeroom teacher slipped me a $20 at the end of today, told me to buy some groceries. She also found a bike for me :-) She's so thankful I'm there to help in class, today I made enough copies so that her reading group is caught up for the next two weeks. I also led the last 30 min of class which was me drawing simple pictures on the board and the kids copying (meant to develop co-ordination). Tons of hugs and high fives today. I'm already dreading the end of the school year when I'll have to say good-bye to all these cool kids. I had about four kids crowded around me at Breakfast today during reading. Fun times. 

/// I was given a Lincoln Lynx bracelet today by one little girl. Extreme cuteness.

/// Finished The Boy Detective Fails/ Joe Meno today. It takes the Encyclopedia Brown/Scooby Doo archetypes and puts them in a world where they are grown up and can no longer solve all the mysteries anymore. A great metafiction meditation on allowing yourself to accept the mystery and not become obsessive about explaining your world away.

/// Off to a weekend of reading and writing.

In the last 48 hours I have slept maybe 5

My life has been told through poems I have randomly encoutered as of late

Sex Without Love
Sharon Olds

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Toast
Leonard Cohen

There was a woman in Ithaca
who cried softly all night
in the next room and helpless
I fell in love with her under the blanket
of snow that settled on all the roofs
of the town, filling up
every dark depression.

Next morning
in the motel coffee shop
I studied all the made-up faces
of women. Was it the middle-aged blonde
who kidded the waitress
or the young brunette lifting
her cup like a toast?

Love, whoever you are,
your courage was my companion
for many cold towns
after the betrayal of Ithaca,
and when I order coffee
in a strange place, still
I say, lifting, this is for you.

/// Today was spent laughing till it hurt and getting to know some people better. It was Community Exploration Day for the AmeriCorps tutors. We joined up in makeshift groups and find various places through out Bellingham. My group was me, Katy, Matt Buckmaster, Lisa, and Katie Fox. We met up at Diamond Jim's, a local diner for breakfast. Right away everyone got along so well. One of the best feelings is to meet new people and feel almost immediately comfortable around them.I find this feeling happening more and more in the last few years. Every one is pretty dork no matter what they look like and we can all laugh at ourselves and each other so easily. It was one of the most fun days I've had since I got here. Tonight, I'm going contra dancing (not quite sure what it is but it should be fun) with Katie Fox.

/// Thursday was my first day in the school I'll be working at. It's Lincoln Elementary in Mt, Vernon. Got to pick my desk, got a gift bag from the school's reading coordinator (inside were reward stickers, fancy post-its and a bar of organic soap). The program the schools use, evulates kids at the beginning of the year and those who exhibit reading difficulty get assigned to a tutor. We work with the same kids everyday for 8 weeks and then they're retested. If they pass they no longer have to attending tutoring and any  new child with difficulties is assigned. It sounds like ou build a rapport with your kids so that even when they no longer need tutoring they stop by during free time to read with you or be read to. Really looking forward to making some very short friends in the next year.

/// I find bein extroverted takes a lot out of me but when I'm around those people, who for some reason just click with me, its totally worth it. For now things are good. And I get to move to into my new place on Tuesday.

This was the song that came onto my iPod on shuffle mode as I descended into Bellingham, WA on June 28th. Its interesting to come back to a song at different times and find different meanings.

The Maker Makes
Rufus Wainwright

One more chain I break
to get me closer to you
One more chain does the maker make
to keep me from bustin' through

One more notch I scratch
to keep me thinkin' of you
One more notch does the maker make
upon my face so blue

Get along little doggies, get along little doggies

One more smile I fake,
'n try my best to be glad
One more smile does the maker make,
because he knows I'm sad

Oh Lord, how I know,
Oh Lord, how I see,
that only can the maker make a happy man of me

Get along little doggies, get along little doggies, get along

Dr. Hearn was always a bit of a poetry snob. He believed it was superior to prose. I always sort of doubted that but in my last semester of college I had him for three classes and began to see that he was right. The challenge of poetry is to say the most with the least and, when done well, it can elict the strongest of emotions from you. And like its sister, the proverb, there is wisdom boiled down to its essence in the best poetry. I feel like a fool some times when I read a poem again and again and yet still I don't let its wisdom sink in and teach me something. Example:

Where Is She?
Peter Cherches

          Where is she, I wondered, when she wasn't there. If she's not here she could be anywhere. She could be anywhere and not alone.
          I began to imagine the worst. At every imagining I thought I had imagined the worst, then I imagined something even worse. It got to the point where my imaginings no longer included her. I realized that the worst did not encompass her. As my imaginings continued, as worst superseded worst, making the preceding worst only worse, I began to forget her. As worst got worse, I forgot her more. Things were getting pretty bad, and I had almost forgotten her completely, when she reappeared.

there are days I wish I had a car (a license for that matter) so that I could just disappear for days on end.

I Found A Reason
Cat Power (after Velvet Underground)

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And youd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better that what came before

And youd better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
Youd better run

/// there are very few pains greater than being told you failed to protect someone

/// i remembered I have my digicam here so I'll be taking pics of bday proceedings to email to gishfish.

///  have spent the majority of the day feeling drugged/totally fried and confused and drained. I can't know what I'm supposed to do unless you tell me.

/// Well, its been a week since any sort of personal entries. I feel like I'm going to keep the print journal with its seperate deeper focus. However, there is some sense of catharsis with this thing. Its weird how we all come back to LJ. I feel a little more definite about somethings.

/// Had Day 1 of AmeriCorps training today. All very cool people. Looking forward to my co-workers at Lincoln and the rest of the team in general. In October we have SERVES, a gathering of all the service corps groups. Sounds like a big drinking event with some daytime seminars on various aspects of being a part of the Corps.

/// I had some interesting fiction ideas lately. I'm going to try and organize my time and get some things put out. Met some creative writing/english peoples at training today who are pretty damn cool.

/// We did a "psychogeometric" exercise at training today. We picked a shape and then filled it in with colors or some sort of images that related to us in some way. I picked a circle and put a chaosphere and Shiva in it. Sort of the ideas of our lives not being decided and that all things must die so that new things might be.

/// There are aspects of my life I have come to terms with. Life will be how it will be and there's no point in getting outrageously upset over it. Things will just happen and you might as well go with the flow. It's not pessimism, rather submission to what can't be helped. I know what I have control over in my life and I know what I don't. Nothing I can do about that except try to live the most satisfying and happy life possible.

Film Review: Little Miss Sunshine
Trailer: The Motel
Death of an iPod

Lost in Castle Revolving

Film Review: Brick
Comic Review : JL of A #1

Check it out at Lost in Castle Revolving

So this, Lost in Castle Revolving, will be the new place I'll post reviews of various things. I've used it off and on and I like the graphical interface. Feels more suited for a pop culture review sort of thing.

I feel so fucking wretched recently. I want to discount it as just being immature but god damnit, and I'm really angry a lot of the time. More so than I've been in awhile. Based on all the things I have going on in my life I think I shouldn't be that way. But I do.